so far so good

The last two years of my life have been about me crawling in a counterclockwise circle, making several adjustments to the placements of my feet.  Sometimes I’d take a moment to sit down because my back would hurt or that my arms didn’t have enough strength to hold the rest of my body up.  And sometimes I’d think about whether or not I should turn around and crawl clockwise.

But I never took a resting moment to think about standing up.

I remember when I was younger, about six years ago, when each step I took was innately one after the other.  I walked fast and my left foot knew immediately to surpass the right whenever it hit the floor and vice versa. Sometimes I’d run and sometimes I’d trip, but I’d never stay crawling, especially in a circle.  And if I took a few breaths, I’d be standing within a matter of seconds.

I’m relearning how to run again, visualizing what it was about myself that I had, and recognizing what I’ve lost.

I’m relearning how to be creative again, creativity spawned purely from myself and not from substance abuse.

Everyone has a struggle and no one really can help you stand up except yourself.  You can crawl or you can choose to fuck the hiatus in the ass.  It’s those who choose to get up and start running again who find the extra excerpt in their self written novel.

Let’s write some more stories and share them with each other.  I’ll crawl with you if you’re willing to stand up soon.

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sense memory

When I was younger my mother sat to my left.

On a small chair with a cushion and two arm rests.

This is where I learned patience.

Of all the things in life that I treasure the most, it’s these beginning moments that I remember as a child that all lead up to specific events, events with requirements.

For some reason, I’d always fulfill these requirements.  Which helped me complete each event, which in turn helped me jump over some river bends, climb several mountains, and leap off cliffs.

I’m only twenty-four and sometimes I feel like I’ve learned all that there is to learn by sitting next to my mother, who taught me all the tricks.  Fancy ones that gave me the ability to learn tricks from other people.  And the ability to rediscover how my dad carried me.

When I was younger my dad carried me.

On his back through swap meets in Pasadena.

He taught me the beauty and destruction of selflessness.

And how the manifestation of unconditional love is painful but rewarding at the same time.  Triggering memories of myself as a child, I find my dad’s role as a father superhuman.

To feel without words, to express without action, and to understand without tangibility.

Am I capable of performing?  Am I up to par?  These are the years that test whether or not I’m going to even come close.  Close to being able to make sacrifices that they’ve made that allowed me to think the way that I choose to think today.

liberating others

So many people find  it necessary to hide who they really are in order to impress those around them.  Everything becomes a powerpoint presentation, prepared and ready to exhibit to the public.

It’s a constant search for personas and make believe identities.  This race, perpetuated by judging eyes, creates facades strong enough to successfully hide insecurities and imperfections.  This eventually forces people to forget who they are, the things they want to accomplish, and the goals they want to set.  Instead they ask: What do others want to see me as?  What should I accomplish for them? What goals should I set according to their standards?

How liberating would it be if we stopped lying about ourselves, embraced our faulty qualities, and understood.  The more we hate, the more we judge, the more people hide and the less we know eachother. Let’s liberate ourselves by accepting eachother as people capable of mistake, and understand the individuality behind everyone’s actions and words, whether they be negative or positive.

Liberate people by letting them know how unique their bad qualities are and how their decisions, although looked down upon by others, may seem attractively maverick to you.  This way we’ll be more confident as ourselves and less narcissistic about who we pretend to be.

Happy Birthday Mrs. Kao

So many things can change in 365 days.  Your wardrobe, your levels, your connections with the people around you, who go through these changes similarly as well.  Adjusting is probably the most difficult thing to do, but we’re blessed with the ability to mold into our surroundings if we choose to.  Things change, but there are always constants.  Plug in the right numbers into these life equations and your resulting outcome will be nothing less than exceptional.

I look at my mom and she takes hit after hit.  But she stands there with a smile on her face knowing exactly what I knew six years ago.

She makes no mistakes and she’s one bad ass bitch.

“Be patient Lawrence”

Happy Birthday Momma Kao

Blame her for all the things you hate about me  (happy face).

thanks

There has been many pivotal moments in my life.  A lot of these moments have the potency to alter.  Hopefully I’m putting the puzzle pieces next to apposite counterparts. There is so much potential for failure, but I’m excited to play this omnipresent game of the universe.

I am thankful for those that continue to keep me alive.  Alive in a sense of my freedom. My ability to be me wherever and whenever.  Thank you God for surrounding me with peers that liberate me and continue to foster my growth.  May this growth be stepping stones towards a narrow one.

Merry Christmas bitches

thoughts

There are 365 days in a year.  About 200 of those days I have to tell myself to shut the fuck up.  Not literally.  It’s more like my right arm talking to my left arm.  That was an analogy.

…there are good days, bad days, really good days, and those cunning horrible ones that creep up on you… Inevitable.

I don’t think I’m exactly a positive person.  Actually I know I’m not.  Because I find too much humor in the negative, more so when it happens to me.  It’s funny.  Or maybe that means I’m positive?

Either way, there’s always something inside of me that cares and wants something more.  And I sit sometimes to think, why do I feel like this?

Because He knows I’m destined for greater things…

and it’s up to me to realize that

Sometimes I preach too much about my life philosophy that I forget what made me feel like that in the first place.

…there are good days, bad days, really good days, and those cunning horrible ones that creep up on you…

But know that when you feel incomplete, upset about certain things about yourself, or just not content…you are blessed with the downright fact that your life is destined for something extraordinary, a place where only faith can lead you.

Good luck motherfuckers.

“pirate…not pilot…”

I cleaned out my closet the other day.  Threw away seventy five percent of shit I’ve kept for a very long time, convincing myself that I didn’t need these things to help me remember historical facts about myself.

It was a sad day, but I like doing that sometimes.  Purposefully thinking or doing anything that will make me awfully nostalgic.  It’s like when people like to smell their own nasty.

I put a shit load of clothes into trash bags and successfully sold.  Drove back home and realized I needed them for an audition this morning:

Wardrobe: “hard rapper type wear (gansta) for 1st shoot”  (what does gansta mean?)

Unfortunately, stupid workers at thrift stores like to buy shit that I wore in high school.

I found a bandana, all that I had that was “gansta”.  Put it on with an outfit. Surprised my mom last night to see what her initial reaction would be.

“You look like a pilot!”

“No I don’t.  I’m suppose to be a gangster.  I don’t look like a gangster?”

“hm….no.  You look like a pilot.”

So I’m in front of the camera this morning, opposite a mirror, and I’m trying to look “sorrowful” because that’s what the director wanted, and then it hit me right across the fuckin face.  Dude….I look like a pirate.

Whatever, pilot was informative enough.

Well, there goes another audition…

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  • "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson